Chapter 32
Now I was home crying over a woman who was never mine in the first place. I knew the chance that I was taking and I was well aware that she would be returning to New Orleans one day but for it to be today; this day of all days. And for me to had met her the way that I did sweating looking a mess while cooking food for her woman! I had no right to feel like she was mine because from the start when we first spoke in depth she revealed to me that she did have a woman, she was never here but nevertheless she had her!
I could just die right now I wanted to die! If I failed with a woman then it would certify that I was no good to anyone not even of the same sex! How much more of a loser could I become? I didn’t want Milan to see me like this she was already going through with Rakiya. If I was going to be a lesbian and engage in a relationship with another woman a path my daughter has chosen to take then I wanted to be an example for her.
I know in a way she feels that she has to teach me about this lesbian lifestyle but she had no clue of the things that I once did as a young woman just out of curiosity or for enjoyment before I even got married! We all have secrets in our lives and I am entitled to mine! I was just humiliated and embarrassed!! What was I going to do and who was I going to do it with? I had no clue as to what direction that my life was headed! Still I knew that I had to hold myself together once again throughout this because of my daughter Milan! I didn’t want a repeat of what happened so many years ago!! This time I wouldn’t be able to save her like before! I was going to make i9t a point to sit and really find out if she shared any of that with Rakiya. One thing I do know and that is “you never let another bitch know all of your business, because when mad day comes she will use it against you!”
Like I had witnessed amongst other so-called friends in the past, I told them the things that I wanted them to know and everytime it wasn’t always the truth! It was hard for me to allow people into my life my trust with people was so minimal and circumcised until it was ridiculous and often caused me to question how I went about dealing with others but found it to be the perfect choice for me!
My mother didn’t question what I was doing but I could tell that she didn’t approve of it! I was disappointed that I still wasn’t comfortable speaking with her about things; I was still trying to figure out the line that divided being real but remaining respectful! I was fortunate to still have my mother in my life as so many of my friends mother had already passed away.
I decided to concentrate on the good and wonderful blessings that was staring me in the face than to dwell on the fact that Diva and I may no longer be. .I had so many things to be grateful for and I knew this many things I faced what have sent another to her grave or to an institution either way she would have been doomed. If its meant to be it will and if not then it won’t, I had to focus on the fact that I once had the love that I desired and needed!
I didn’t have the nerve or courage to face what was in front of my face over the years I became bold but not that bold; I would just wait for her to call and hear what was decided if at all a decision had been made.
I reached over a grabbed my double-headed gold tip vibrator the man at the sex store said that one was designed to go on the inside of your vagina but I once again had not reached that stage in my life I was just getting comfortable pleasuring myself. Not that Brian had pleasured me when he was alive, he actually turned me off from sex and I only did it as my wifely duty! Just trying to keep my man happy, I must admit that I was happy that the chapter where he once was had came to an end! I closed my eyes and as I pleasured myself I envisioned myself there with Diva while she licked my clit until it exploded into her mouth. Rubbing my breast and pinching my nipples I continued to pleasure myself until I was exhausted and fell to sleep with the vibrator on top of my clit.
I woke up a few hours later and decided to go over to my mother’s. I informed Milan that I was going out for a few and then got in my car and drove off, it’s funny how you always run to your mother’s tits for comfort and assurance and here I was a grown woman with a child of my own. Yet I was still running to my mother, the only person that I knew still loved me unconditional.
I had broken it off with Rakiya and from her reaction I knew that it would be a long time before she would accept it! Over the years she had transformed into this monster that I no longer knew and really didn’t want to know. She told me that she was still in love with me and that she would give me some time to think things over!
Didn’t she get it I had been thinking about it all the way she had control and sabotaged our relationship and friendship? The way that she began to act when it came down to having friends and there were certain things that often triggered my memories from when I was a child and growing up in a home where my father abused my mother and rejected me. She took me back to a place where I didn’t want to revisit and she knew all of this and there were times when she would use my past against me. That was the area where I was most concerned because I shared so many things with her when we were growing up loving and comforting each other. Now the very thing that brought us together was tearing us apart! She was not going away easy and I was not going to allow her to have control over my life. This was going to be war and I expected that but what I didn’t expect was what happened next!
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